the pokey pledge

When I first imagined Pokey Mama, I didn’t see her as a blog, per se, at least in the sense of daily/frequent musings, updates, etc. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But I had a clear vision of telling a kind of serialized story: my journey through pregnancy into motherhood followed by the chaos and bewilderment I suffered as I tried to figure out what a mother was (for me) and what kind of writer I was (now that my life was so engulfed by mothering.) My intention was to write a weekly essay-ish piece—and create artwork to go along with it. Easy-peasy.

I now realize 1) how ambitious a goal that was, and 2) that I was able to  realize that goal, at least for a few months, because some key space had opened up in my life, a piece of clear blue sky between clouds where my kids were both in school and I was only working part-time. Sweet!

But now that we’ve experienced a change in the weather, it’s time to reassess. Do I want to throw in the towel because I don’t have time to create a weekly post that meets my own ridiculous standards? Should I give Pokey up?

No, most definitely not. I heart Pokey. I need her. She. Completes. Me.

So what’s a mother to do? Well, I think I just have to get used to the idea that until I’m through teaching this fall, Pokey is in a kind of limbo. I picture her floating in space, tethered to the mothership like a baby in utero, kicking a little but mostly just biding her time. It’s warm. She can hear the big heart of the universe beating…whump…whump. Not so bad, right?

Really I’m not that sanguine, but it’s a goal. I have plans for Pokey, places to go, people to see. And until I get my piece of sky back I’m just going to have to work the edges—and let’s face it, I should be good at that by now, those edges are pretty much where I’ve been hanging out for a long while.

So on All Hallows Eve, when it’s good to push the envelope and imagine Yourself different, I take this Pokey pledge—and here you should picture me in a dark green sash peppered with the badges I earned in Delusion, Procrastination, Deviance and Best Intentions—

I Pokey, do solemnly swear, on all that is dark, complicated and unusual, bright, delicious and real, to live the life I’ve been advocating: cut myself some slack, acknowledge my limitations but not get beat by them, keep Pokey going however I can, stop worrying about what isn’t and who says so, and remember that in the end I just may invent something beautiful and new that surprises and delights me.

I would pledge that this is the last post I’ll write about not having enough time to write, but something tells me that would negate several items in the preceding pledge, so I won’t.

Keep checking back. More sky is on the way.